Spiel for a River to Nowhere

From 1979 to 1981, I worked 10 hour swing-shifts at LaSalle's Adventure at Six Flags Over Texas. Riverboats, which have now been outfitted as swamp boats in East Texas, traveled on tracks in a large circle, beginning and ending at the dock. As I wrote in "Riverboat Ritualization," a piece published in the Moorish Science Monitor in the '90s, the continuous rounds left a heavy imprint in my brain, and the entire theme park experience gave me added insight into gnosticism and the simulacrum in the fiction of Philip K. Dick.

Ostensibly a narrative about the French exploration of Texas by LaSalle, the riverboat spiel that follows was constantly being tweaked and rewritten by those using it, to make it funnier or to simply avoid boredom of repitition. This version from 1978, the one I was handed as a yellow-tag trainee, is reprinted here for fun. The ride was closed in 1982 because it wasn't a "people mover." I had the honor of delivering the very last spiel, "the nasty version," to a crew of associates and friends.

For those interested in actual history, the journals of Henri Joutel are in print and make fascinating reading about LaSalle's last voyage (he was shot in a mutiny somewhere in North Texas near the Trinity River).

In the meantime, enjoy the ride!



Good Day my friends, this is your captain speaking and I’d

like to welcome you all aboard my French Riverboat. Before we leave

the dock may I ask you all to please keep your hands and arms inside

the boat, since you never know when you might need them to swim back

to shore should the boat sink, or the captain abandon ship. The

brave at heart aboard this ship are volunteers for a very dangerous

mission as we’ll be traveling along waters much like the rivers the

French Explorer LaSalle travelled on in his search for the mouth of

the Mississippi. In addition to the Spanish, who had laid claim to

Texas when LaSalle first left a colony at Matagorda Bay, we will also

encounter both friendly and no doubt many unfriendly indian tribes

along our journey. And here is early proof of that, it would seem

that the indians have already attacked this French encampment and

that trapper has met with the same unfortunate end that many settlers

met within this wild new land.




Perhaps the most formidable four legged enemies that early settlers

faced in Texas were the gray wolves. Settlements or camps attacked by

the indians are soon taken over by the wolves, who often scatter the

bones up to a mile. Although not always as dangerous as Indians, the

Spanish had already laid claim that the territory of Texas when LaSalle

established his first colony, but the discovery of a French camp in

Spanish territory did cause the Spanish to step up their mission

programs. Mission San Francisco De Los Tajas was built in 1690 by

Father Massonet with the help of friendly indians from the area.

Many such missions are protected by Spanish Forts such as the one

up ahead. Since they fly the Spanish Flag and we’re French, we must

try to slip by unnoticed. Luckily there’s no one in the watch

tower so if you’ll all be very quiet we’ll try to make it by

....But oh no! That Spanish soldier has spotted us...they’ve

opened fire! Full speed ahead. Careful, a near miss on the port

side, another near miss, prepare to abandon ship! Women and children

first, after the captain of course. But wait! They’ve ceased fire,

it would seem as though the spanish can’t hit the broad side of a

little French Riverboat.


Over to my right you’ll see something that’s becoming very common

along the Rivers in Texas. Trading Posts appear to be an excellent

way to make friends with the indians.



Trading posts have also inspired many trappers to come to Texas.

A trapper friend of mine, Francious knows this area well, and he’s

usually around here so keep an eye out for him. There he is now in

the top of that tree...I’ll ask him in French if its safe to go on...

(away from mike) "Francious my friend, is it safe to go on?" Unfortun-

ately he’s shaking his head no, which in French means no - but, the

rivers too narrow to turn around right here, and besides, I’m not

ready to risk another pass by those Spanish cannons. So we’ll continue

on for the glory of France. I believe Francious has a small camp

along here, and perhaps we’ll be able to stop for some good food and

company.


But no, there will be no stopping here, the camp is under attack

by indians and I’m afraid we’re caught in the crossfire! Everybody

quick, down in the boat - we’ll duck now and ask questions later.



Those bullets are real my friends, have no doubt, real enough

to ruin even those barrels of good French Wine. They really know

how to hit a frenchman where it hurts, don't they? In the wine

barrels!


Mon Amis we are now entering the most dangerous part of our

journey, swamp lands, infested with huge hungry alligators. Let me

once again remind you to keep your hands and arms inside the boat

because these gaters just love to be hand fed, and once in the water,

there's not a man alive that can out swim one of these monsters.

What!?! No need for alarm, its just a bear fishing for some dinner in

the river, we probably disturbed him. Quick Look! There's something

moving in the bushes (pointing to port side) I'm sure I saw something

move up there....Look Out! Its an indian war canoe, everybody duck

down! Those arrows are tipped with poison, one scratch could mean

instant death. Luckily they didn't shoot!


On my right you'll see what they were probably trying to protect

an indian burial ground. As you can see indian customs require that

they bury their dead 6 feet above the ground. Burial grounds are

sacred, and trespassers are dealt with severely. Some tribes even

sacrifice a dog, horse, or even a woman with a dead warrior.

With a burial ground here a village can't be far, so we will

try to proceed quietly and carefully along.


And just as I thought, here is the Indian village. That medicine

man is really a priest for the tribe, and there's no tellings what

that dance he's doing is supposed to do; I just hope it's not going

to do it to us!


Luckily, I don't see any warriors around, just young braves

and squaws tanning hides and preparing some of their favorite

dishes, perhaps boiled earth worms and raw fish.

Quiet everyone, over on the shore is a black bear. I hear that

many settlers along the river call the black bear the clown of the

woods, but considering his tone of voice right now, I'd say those

sounds were more like hunger pains than jokes.


Traveling along the river can be very dangerous, but traveling

the shore is next to impossible because of the thick brush and the

many wild animals along the shore.


Here you can see a single bear fighting for his life against

some very dangerous enemies. The wolves are very careful though

because that bear's teeth are very sharp, not to mention the

power in his "bear" hands.


Quick everyone, lean to the port side of the boat; for over

on the starboard is a whirlpool. That poor soul is already on his

way to a watery grave, but you've got to give him credit, he did

save that piece of drowning wood.


To the left a pack of beavers, an important source of income to

many trappers and a source of trouble to many captains as they often

pose a menace to navigation. Look Out! Timber... Well, it that

tree had been a little longer this boat and this trip would have

been alot shorter.


I hope you are all brave for ahead lies unchartered waters and

there is no way of telling just what might be waiting for us.

Look... Indians! On both sides of the shore, everyone bravely

River and quickly duck! I'd say those Indians have only one goal, to get

a head. So it's full speed ahead for us. But wait! A waterfall

with a solid rock wall behind it. I'm afraid our journey has come

to an end if you'll all prepare to abandon ship on the count of

three, One... Two... WAIT! The waterfall has parted, the rock wall

is opening. I believe we've stumbled on an ancient Indian treasure

cave. Many explorers gave their lives in search of caves such as

this containing Indian gold and treasure.


Perhaps we should reconsider and turn back, but I'm afraid

we can't! The doors have closed and we're trapped inside. Look,

to the right, treasure! But don't take any, it's being guarded by

that skeleton. Oh no! more trouble, a rock wall ahead... but no,

I see light, the wall is swinging open. The Indians have rewarded

us with our lives for not stealing their treasure.


And there is the flag of France flying proudly above Ft. St.

Louis. Viva la France, we've made it back to safety!

I want to thank you all for being such a brave crew and accom-

panying your not-so-brave captain on this very dangerous journey. I

hope you enjoy the rest of your stay at Six Flags Over Texas and come

back and see us again real soon.


Now as we approach the dock, please keep your hands and arms inside

the boat, wait till we come to a complete safe stop, then exit on the

dock side only. You'll find it a little drier there.

On the dock we should find a beautiful glamorous French sailor

girl (or handsome, de bonair, exciting French sailor) to help you out

of the boat. But as you can see she (or he) didn't show up ... so

(name of host or hostess) will have to do.

River



Now mates and matees, the time has come to say mersi beau

coup and au re voir: which is Texas French for thank you very

much... and abandon ship before she sinks.